This is my Noteboook! Since 23/09 my site has changed a SHIT ton. I decided to change my website, reasons are stated in my blog (23/09). I hope anyone who preffered the old site isn't dissapointed, but i feel better.
My Notebook will be full of random shit, if you look at the other page you can see what page has what. This web is still being woven so expect changes, and the fact that it wont stay the same. Thank you!

28/09/23

I'm making my site more school-friendly, meaning that all pinterest or discord images have been put into Catbox and now I can actually see my site, and play music. I realised that I spelt planetarium wrong which is uhhh... embarrassing...

27/09/23

It's about 20 minutes until the end of school, I really need to piss but I can't because I'm a tranny and trannies can't piss in my school without getting screamed at so I havta hold it in until like 3:30 and then I get no break cause I'm immediately off to pottery where I'll have to potter or whatever the verb of it is (pot?)
At lunch I realised I was biromantic which was cool. I'm greysexual because even though I'm bi I don't think I would ever fuck a girl except in really really specific circumstances. I was hanging out with my friends and Astrid was showing me their drawing and it was.. 🌽. There was a guy which, you know, men. But there was a WOMAN and I IMMEDIATELY realised I was not sexually interested in afabs at alllllllllllllllll. Cock.
Like I really need to piss

26/09/23

A boy came out to me a few days ago, he's popular, really popular, but he doesn't even like me. He told me he didn't like girls, and we talked about that for a little. Today I saw him with another boy who's bisexual, and I thought, jesus christ I'm so fucking lonely.
I like to think that I'm okay alone, that after breaking up with my boyfriend I'm fine, I don't need anyone. But seeing him with someone else, seeing him happy, just make me feel like shit. I could NEVER love the way they can because I'm transgender. Any boy in my school who would date me would either see me as a girl, or a tranny. I fucking hate it.
All I want is someone who would see me as a boy as i would see them as one.
Not much else to talk about for today, I'll just leave you with that.

25/09/23

12:37, I'm in welsh class right now. The teacher is MIA so we have a subsitute who's just sitting there doing absolutely nothing. I decided this was a good time to code, but what i SOON realised is that with my school chromebook blocking images or widgets that come from blocked sites like discord or the music player, I have no clue if any of what I'm adding works. Right now, my entire site looks like this

IT ALL LOOKS BROKE
I've decided to stop using discord to host images since it just ends up making my life very difficult while coding in school. I'm thinking of buying a laptop or asking for one for Christmas since I don't really want anything else. It would be much easier because I could use it in school and use sites that are blocked, plus, it would belong to ME. Not just being lended by the school.
At lunch I'll practice the play with my friends, I'll probably have to be Maria again. The proper actor of Maria just wont turn up to practices because she'd rather hang out with her boyfriend than do her GCSE course? At this point I should just fill in for her and do it properly. It's fun, though.
The play is about the affect of bullying on neurodivergent people, and the entire cast is neurodivergent themselves. The main character Blake, who is autistic, is played by an autistic boy. It's all on his real experiences but the main character kills himself at the end and then the actor does a monolouge on how if his friends weren't there to constantly support him, he would've probably had the same fate as Blake. I think it's sweet and it really is important for neurotypical people to know how what they say actually affects people. It's written amazingly too, I just wish there was more scenes and more backstory to it. It all happens very fast and actually the bullying shown isn't bad at all so it would be nice to show some more scenes with bullying instead of just one where Maria calls Blake "weird". I love it though, and I'm glad to help them.
I'm just working on my To-Do list, and obviously writing my blog. I hope that my site isn't actually broken, and it's just my chromebook.

24/09/23

I'm at my grandparents house, they're fussing with my baby cousin Tadgh as I just code in the front room. I feel sick because I had something with vinegar and vinegar makes me feel SUPER sick. Checking my discord and stuff.
I think my uncle knows I'm trans? He wanted to see my site and stuff so I showed him the first page and not only was the name "Simon" there but there was a trans flag in the cornerrrrrrrr.

He didn't ask any questions so I didn't say ANYTHING. He's not homophobic or transphobic, but I find it awkward because they ask questions and stuff.
I feel anti-social sitting in a different room but I have a headache because Tadgh is so loud and I feel sick so I just isolated myself for a little. (As I say this Tadgh comes in to the room).
I forgot to mention that I do a pottery course on wednesdays now. My parents left me a whole extra 30 minutes for NO REASON. But pottery Simon!

23/09/23

Views have been plummeting, and this morning I was just sitting down looking at my website. I had fallen out of love. This scared me, God did it scare me, but I realised I hadn't fallen out of love with coding, I'd fallen out of love with my website itself. It's ugly, it's slow to load, and it just isn't me.
So I decided, fuck it.
I'll re do it. Which I have. And I fucking love it.
My first website was just a car seat headrest fan page, and I do love car seat headrest but that isn't all I am. I wanted something that could better show my personality and I really feel like I have. Also I've just been through a break up with a guy i really wanted a future with, I saw a future with. He said I wasn't "attentive" enough, as if I haven't been going through shit and at the time I really needed him the most he dumped me because I wasn't being "loving" enough.
But fuck him. Fuck my future with him, fuck Rabat, fuck all of it.
I've had enough of being bullied, pushed around, loved and then left like I don't even matter. I'm sick of acting like I'm okay with any of this. I want the rest of my school life to be something I ENJOY.
So here it is, my new website. It feels like a fresh start, like when you replace your entire wardrobe, when you delete an old social media account. This is my fresh start.
And thank Arcus, thank Kaz, thank Astrid, thank Taylor and Shea for being there for me, for being my friends. For sticking with me even though I'm a loser who gets bullied by kids younger than me on the bus, for supporting me and being my friends while i deperately try to grasp on to any piece of my identity I have left. I'm going through shit, and they stayed. And I love them for that.
And thank you for bothering to read this.

22/09/23

GOING TO LUNCH FUCK YEAH

At lunch, sitting on a bench in the humanities hallway doing my sololearn with Arcus, Kaz and Astrid. My friend said she'd make my suit with me, because she owns a 3d printer and I'm SO THANKFUL because me and cardboard wont make anything cool.

I came out to my friends with my new name, Simon. Arcus was cool about it and said he'd call me Sy.

I've noticed my blogs are getting shorter, my views getting lower, and my updates having more gaps between them and I'm worried my site'll die out and I'll lose interest which I really dont want to happen. I've been taking more coding lessons, specifically html, so that my site will be nicer for everyone. I'll work more on the homepage, maybe add an updates box, more stamps.

21/09/23

I hate school. Today on the bus I sat on the stairs because there's no where to sit, and I got gum thrown at me (not chewed, thankfully.) and squash thrown on my head and all over my bag, the squash fucking stunk. I had to get a top from the school and the Head teacher is seeing me at lunch to talk.

I've put my name in for the school council, as probably evident I'm not liked in my school, my fault for being a tranny but I doubt many people will vote for me. I really hope I can get in, because I'm trying to be one of the people who helps stop racism and lgbtphobia in school and I've FIRSTHAND experienced that TODAY so it would be perfect for me to be a part of it. I know that people don't like me because I'm transgender, it's me being different from them that they don't like. Or maybe it's just me, I've been bullied all my life. I can't run from it, I can't escape it, but I'm still not used to it. Even if I'm deadly quiet they'll find a way to mock me. The teachers started calling me "isa" and now everyone says my name over and over in weird babyish tones, every single time I walked into school I was met with "iiisaaaAaaah" and I'm so sick of it.

There's only two years left for me in school, and then I'm a college. Maybe in college i'll be liked, I doubt people get bullied there.

19/09/23

The bus was late... again. It wasn't late to arrive at the bus stop like yesterday, but it was late to get to school. I guarentee they'll blame it on the new 20mph signs put up everywhere, but if that's the case just make the busses leave earlier. Thankfully unlike yesterday I wasn't late for assembly (I think thankfully was the wrong word). I genuinely don't remember much of the day, I had basically a meltdown in Religious Education because I was given a HIGHLY theoretical question where to answer it I would have to generalize an entire relgion and also decide whether I believe in free will or not in the span of one page and I couldn't do it because different christians interpret the bible in different ways, and I have not read nor interpereted the bible so I would have to pick one branch of christianity and go off that, but I didn't know WHICH to pick because I hadn't done research. Also I don't KNOW whether I believe in free will or not because what if I think i have free will but actually my entire life is pre-planned with the illusion of free will? Like to show I have free will i could jump out the window but would that prove I chose to do that or that me jumping out the window was always going to happen? So i just freaked out and rambled and I couldn't stop and the person next to me kept telling me about metaphors but i dont UNDERSTAND metaphors so it made me freak out more and I got detention

Last lesson was art, we were doing a page on identity. I don't know my identity since it's based off whatever my favourite thing is so i made this

I don't like it but oh well. Blood drips need work.

At lunch I hung out with Shea, Taylor, Kaz and Astrid again. They were practising something for their GCSE, a play on how neurodivergent, queer, and different kids are bullied and ostracized for just being themselves and loving whoever they love. It's great, since all the people who are acting are neurodivergent or queer themselves. I filled in for someone who wasn't in the practise, I had to play a mean girl who kicked the foot of an autistic boy and tried to pick on him for being weird. It took ages since we kept laughing, but we managed. It was really fun. I want to hang out with them everday.

I'm just sitting in my room writing code now, like I always do. Drinking my dr.peppers.

18/09/23

I actually really enjoyed today. The day started with assembly, about the school council. To be honest, I really do NOT want to join any council but i'm not exactly liked in my school, so I wouldn't get voted in. My first lesson was AA, or outdoor education we're planning to head to some camp thing sometime in January, unfortunately, we'd have to stay in rooms together for the night. There are 3 other girls (I'm not a girl, but I'm afab so just for now I'm counting myself as one) in the class, I'll call them C, S and A. C is quiet, I have nothing against her at all, I think she's pretty cool honestly. I cannot say the same for S and A. I know S hates me, and I know she talks shit about me behind my back so I don't especially like her. B is a complete arsehole, if i breathe she gets mad, anything i do is a personal attack to her and she's just dreadful to be around. I'm wondering whether I should play the trans card and be all

"nooo sir.. I can't go in a room with girls! I'm transgender!"

and it's not like they'll put me with boys, my Mam wouldn't allow that. But to do that I would have to come out as transgender to the school, which I'm not sure I want to risk. AA was pretty boring, we just wrote things down from the board into our units.

My second lesson was science, followed by Welsh. I was absent for 3 days before this, due to me being ill, so I had an hour extra to do a test. I was put into C1 with two other students, I am not in their groups as them, in terms of cliques and popularity we are extremely different. I was worried we'd just sit in awkward silence, or they'd speak and I'd be sitting doing nothing, but we actually got along. He was vaping and she was on her phone, I was just sitting there doing the start of my test. But then we got into a conversation which I can't say anything about because it was VERY nsfw and just about sex, and what was said in the room stays in the room. Me and him played catch, I lent him my boxcutter, he sprayed hand sanitiser on me. We just talked for an hour, it was nice.

At lunch, I hung out with my friend and his friends in the drama room, I just coded a little on the website while Arcus drew beside me, while the rest practiced their play. I drew the btw creature on the board. I hope to go there again because it was fun as FUCK. Taylor played fnaf songs on the piano, and we found a girl crying in the office. She had just done her audition for the play, and we all clapped for her because she was so brave. More people came to the office and they did eachother's hair while Shea, Arcus, Taylor and I stayed in the studio. The bell rang too soon, because that was so fun.

After lunch was my last lesson in science, I thought we had a sub, but we didn't. It's not like the lesson was bad, I just coded and collected stamps (yes evan, stamps!) to add later. The bus was late, I just sat with Kinsey and Morgan on the bus, I sat on this bag area and taunted a year seven. I realised, now I'm year 10, I can just say to random year 7s "yeah we're besties innwe?" and boom, they're kind of your mate. After the bus, with the 20 quid Arcus gave me (thank you so much Arcus, that was so kind of you) I bought my mam a birthday present. It wasn't anything much, two chocolate bars and £10 for wine. She really liked it.

My friends

me!

Nomis. He makes THE BEST music ever and he's like, 15. I have his cover of Sober to Death on my playlist, go check it out! I am his NUMBER ONE SUPPORTER

Evan. He totally loves twinks.

the coolest ever, he's really interesting and I CANT WAIT TO SHOW HIM AROUND BRITAIN and I will NOT stand by the edge of a roof near him

2 watch List
Skins
Torchwood

"Why is your name Simon?"
HAHA! Good question.

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